I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
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There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
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I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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