this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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