we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
