isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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