Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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