My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
