Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
