I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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