wrigley field is MILF paradise
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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