Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
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He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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