just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
