just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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