You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
