shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
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I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
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She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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