I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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