I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
