I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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