oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
