So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
