just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
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Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
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You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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