grandma shit on top of the toilet
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
