I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
