I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
