im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
