1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
