question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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