I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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