I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
