FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
