i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I intend to get homeless drunk
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
