Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
smell my finger.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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