I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
