You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
