remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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