Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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