Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
