smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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