The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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