saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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