I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
