just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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