weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
