Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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