I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
