I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
