My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
