That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
