I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
