did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
