is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
