I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he was CRYING into my vagina
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
