so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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