Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
