trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
