So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
