i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
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