He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
