i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
