Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
